You Fill Up My Senses

Today we celebrated my first-born’s 7^th birthday, December 31, 2012. Being pregnant through the entire Christmas season gave new meaning to nearly all the Christmas songs I listened to. So much music about new life, miracles, light, life, love, family, wonder, hope.  The messages were so personal and really hit home. To this day, I cry when I hear “A child, a child, sleeping in the night, he will bring us goodness and light.” That’s exactly what my Light brought to us and brings to us every single day: goodness and light. 

The birth of my first baby brought in the New Year for all, but also was the birth a mother and father, a new life, a new everything for Rob and me. We spent a lot of time trying to figure out what name we should give our son- the first grandbaby in both of our families. We had lists and books and google searches. But, then, another song “Point of Light” came into my life. I’d heard the song before, but this time, hearing it sung by a friend, was more special. I remember thinking “that’s what I want our son to be, a point of light.” Immediately I looked up names that meant Light and found the right one. It hadn’t been on any of our original lists, but when I suggested it to Rob, it was all but set in stone. And it fits. He is a Light, shining clear and full of brightness.

It wasn’t easy for me to be pregnant. Every part of my body hurt from nearly the beginning of pregnancy. I remember one day, driving in the car listening to John Denver when Annie’s Song came on. I started sobbing on the 210 freeway. The lyrics were so fitting then and they remain true today. I sang that song to him as a lullaby most nights trying to help him drift off to sleep:

You fill up my senses
Like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again

Come let me love you
Let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter
Let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you
Let me always be with you
Come let me love you
Come love me again

Music fills up Light’s senses, too. It’s not surprising that there were so many songs that had such an impact on me when I was pregnant with him. He is a musical child. There is rhythm and song in all the things that he does. Music excites him, saddens him, interests him. He has had many many intense interests in his life, and intertwined with all of them was music.

As I’m finishing writing this, I know I haven’t captured quite how I feel. I think that’s why I’ve referenced so many songs. The music captures the emotions better than I ever could with words. Light fills up my senses more completely than the best, most emotional, most touching, most rewarding song you could possibly hear. He is like a song- my favorite song, the song that brings back memories, that makes me laugh and cry and have goosebumps all over my body. I am excited to see what this year brings for Light and for our family. One thing I know for sure, though, is that he will continue to bring us goodness and light.

Happy Birthday, Light.

A Force.

My mom just told me that had anyone tried to take a picture of me 3 years ago, I would have shoved the camera somewhere unspeakable. I was so miserable being pregnant. I can’t find one single picture of me pregnant past October of 2009. She’s right, I was horribly uncomfortable; I was in pain and I was a raging lunatic irritable.

Now as I write this, I am sitting in the dark next to my “baby” who is sound asleep, listening to Christmas music and in disbelief that my “baby” is turning 3 today. At this moment, I am the exact opposite of miserable, the exact opposite of irritable. I am happier than ever. I am luckier than ever. I am Happiness’ mommy. And I am addicted to taking pictures of her. I want to capture and remember every single moment of her life. As cliché as it sounds, her life has flown by so far. And, I want to hold on to every minute of her. She is a force. Everything she does is with force and intensity and conviction. Everything. She does everything with all parts of her being. She is not a half way kind of girl. She is an all or nothing girl.

When you become a parent, no one tells you that you will grieve the baby, toddler, preschooler that you once had. Bittersweet does not even begin to capture what it feels like to watch old videos and look at pictures and wonder, “what happened?”. Where did the time go? Unlike with Light, I can’t remember when she broke her first tooth. I can’t remember when she first sat up or walked unassisted. I can hardly remember the exact hour of her birth; Rob and I are debating that tonight. I don’t know when she learned to dress herself. I don’t remember when she said her first word. I guess when you have your second child, distractions take over and you forget to write things down. But, I have pictures. I have tons of pictures.

And, I remember the exact moment when she stole my heart. She had it from the very instant I laid eyes on her. She grabbed hold with that force. Right then. Stronger than I could have imagined. And she holds onto it and she tells me how much she loves me and she tells me “I’m your girl forever.” All or nothing. And she tells me “I love you too much for you to be away from me.” All or nothing. And she tells me “I won’t EVER ever EVER be your friend again if you make me mad.” All or nothing. And she hugs me and says “Do you recognize how much I love you?” All or nothing.

This girl is a force.

Happy Birthday, Happiness. You are my girl forever.